My C is graduating [insert all the emotions here] and as I do for all major beginning and endings (and force everyone else to do to for all major beginnings and endings (and that includes the beginnings and endings of most days (and most meals (and most courses (I love reflecting))))) IT’S TIME TO REFLECT.
Supporting C throughout law school shocked me in so many ways. I learned far more about myself and my relationships through supporting C than I did in my own undergrad and grad school educations.
Look, it’s a LONG post (three years is a long time, okay?!) so I’m going to cut this intro short and jump right into the most pertinent lessons I learned from (being married to someone in) law school. Check em out below😊
1. REFLECT A LOT.
I’m going to be honest, I didn’t reflect much until semi-recently and I started because (color me #foreverinfluenced) of Instagram. And WOW serendipitous timing because things would have been a lot harder for us if we hadn’t.
Reflecting allows you to express how you’re feeling and recognize thought patterns which is SO IMPORTANT.
Prime example:
To be completely honest, I was kind of the worst during C’s first summer’s internship. His company BALLED OUT on sick intern activities. We’re talking Disney Land, suites at Dodgers games, surfing lessons, and dinners at every last one of the cost-prohibitive restaurants scattered throughout El Lay. And as the summer progressed, I became more and more of a cranky goose about it.
After working a long day, I’d reheat leftovers, turn on Netflix, and then be barely awake when C would FINALLY get home, high on life n full of exciting tales of indoor sky diving and museums dedicated to ice cream. My brain started storing all these passive aggressive thoughts like “I work so hard and C just plays and play and plays” and “I want to indoor skydive instead of going to work”. LET ME TELL YA, I became a Snarky McSnarky Pants. And C became a withdrawn and mysterious turtle man.
It wasn’t until C n I started reflecting regularly that we realized 1. I was really royally struggling with this, 2. I was beating myself up over it because pity parties are gross and, 3. C was communicating with me less because he was feeling guilty over the way his fun was making me feel.
Our reflections gave C the opportunity to give me space for feeling jealous of his summer activities, it gave me the opportunity to express those feelings of envy in a calm and productive way, and it allowed us both to LET GO of the feelings of guilt surrounding the situation.
Building a relationship is like putting together Ikea furniture. It’s confusing, there’s multiple languages going on, and you aren’t provided with any real tools for assembly. Half the shit you do is, at best, an educated guess and you’re constantly having to go back and fix the things that you thought you had gotten right the first time around.
In this analogy, reflection is a powered hand drill. Why struggle through a very long assembly with a fake and slippery screwdriver provided with the assembly kit if there’s a power drill sitting right in front of you? Don’t do it. Don’t use Ikea’s fake n terrible tools. Pick up the drill. Get the work done faster and better with half the anguish and despair. Just reflect regularly, okay??? Okay. I’ll be done.
2. Survival mode is a luxury.
For the past three years, getting C through school has been our number 1 priority. Law school, obviously, is a huge financial burden, and that’s on top of the expenses of living in LA (……. Long Beach). And the work associated with law school is brutal (s/o to C here). It’s been a very humbling experience and has required that we seriously cut back on our expenses and accept help from other (EASIER SAID THAN DONE AMIRITE).
But an affordable life is a simple life. We haven’t accumulated things that anchor us to our apartment. We don’t have any expensive belongings that we need to worry about (I haven’t even had my engagement ring on me in over two years due to the lack of security in our apartment). We aren’t responsible for maintaining a house or for the lives of others.
These have been really fun years for C n I, years where we shared one main focus and one main goal. It has allowed us to come together and rally as a team. The experience as newlyweds was truly invaluable and has really forced us to set a foundation of clear values and priorities as a couple. I mean really, all newlyweds should go to law school!
(Just kidding.)
(Seriously.)
(Don’t do it.)
3. There are few greater gifts in life than being depended upon by someone who loves you.
I’m not going to lie… before law school started, I was a #baller. I was single, I had a bomb engineering salary that I worked really hard for, and I didn’t have anyone to spend that money on expect my numero uno chica… myself [insert Grit with sunhat on here].
So when C n I got married and he started law school, it was kind of a shock to my system. Humans are expensive, and especially humans who are commuting to El Lay every day for law school.
People love to tell me all the time that “someday C will pay you back for these years”. But the truth is, I could never pay C back. Because he has given me a purpose for three years. Every day I know who and what I am working for. When something at work really sucks, I know I’ll get through it because what better motivation could there possibly be than working hard for my C?
Being depended upon adds incredible value to your life and holy smokestacks batman, when you can see someone else’s successes as your successes? GAME CHANGER—there just isn’t anything better. A huge thank you to C for depending on me for these last three years and for providing me with that value and that purpose.
4. There are 99 opinions, but you only need one. (And that’s yours)
I saved this one for last because it is 100% the most important thing that C n I have learned over the past three years.
People are amazing with amazing experiences and have amazing wisdom to share. It’s so important to have an open heart and take in that wisdom. But it’s also important to have a strong connection to self so that you can separate that wisdom from its associated opinion.
Because everyone and their mother has an opinion about your life. Every last part of it. But only one person has to actually live your life and spoiler alert, that’s you.
Both C n I are people pleasers by nature, so we spent a long time trying to accommodate the opinions of others. Unfortunately, that’s a really great way to lose yourself because in no universe do two people have all the same opinions (not even me n C). And trying to be someone else all the time is just EXHAUSTING and extremely detrimental to your self-worth.
When you’re true to yourself, all things get easier. That’s a fact.
People who truly love you, love you because you’re YOU. And they don’t want you to be someone else! So embrace you. Stop second guessing. Start taking on life-giving tasks. Start having more fun 😊 And if you have people in your life who are trying to force you to be someone you’re not, it’s okay to cut them out. It will be better for both parties in the long run.
Now, in conclusion (if you’re still with me here S/O to you!!! hope you brought snacks for the journey) C n I are, OF COURSE, still babies who know approximately nothing about nothing, but we’re striving to learn every day. And the last three years have certainly made me excited about what’s to come 😊
